Not Another Cliche Fanfic!
by Clyde-chan
Summary: Yes, the Naruto cliches that we hate to love. Compiled in a fanfic. From kidnapping to high school. You know you like to read them, now hear them get made fun of. HIATUS
1. Chapter 1

**(A/N) This fic is a parody of all the clichés in Naruto fanfics (not really original, huh?). I think it's hilarious reading them. I'm not bashing characters, I'm bashing fanfics. And I'll probably get flamed. Oh well. There's more on the way!**

**Disclaimer: Really, what makes you think I own Naruto? Cause I don't, and never will.**

**Not Another Cliché Fanfic!**

Sakura woke up, tied to a chair… again.

_'If I had a nickel…'_

"Welcome Back Sakura!"

Pretty much all of the Akatsuki members were in the small room. The familiar small room with no windows and skeletons hanging from chains and/or nooses. In one fic there was on tied next to her. She tried to forget that one…

"Okay, this is the twenty-thousandth fic I've been here," Sakura said, getting annoyed. "So why have you taken me this time? The last fanfic I was a sex slave, and, may I add, what you did to me Kisame, was gross. And, Itachi, I've healed you eyes 6,890 times, I'm pretty sure you're all right now. And I lured Naruto here five hundred times before and Sasuke five frickin thousand times, and four thousand of those times, he died. So what is it now?!"

"You're going to be our maid, yeah!" Deidara exclaimed.

"How original…" Sakura mumbled.

"All you have to do is sign this contract," Kisame said, holding up a pen and paper that seemed to come out of nowhere.

Sakura took the paper and skimmed through it.

"What the hell? I have to play with Tobi, feed all of you, and water Zetsu."

"Yep," everyone said in unison.

"Oh well, it's better than having to fall in love with one of you…"

-0-

Naruto was sitting on a stool in the Gay Bar. Yes, that's the real name. Gay Bar. And guess what song was playing? Gay Bar, of course.

Naruto hadn't learned his lesson the past five-thousand fanfics, so here he was again, drinking, in a Gay Bar. Again.

And who notices him from across the room? Sasuke. And may I add, again.

"Hey princess, come here often?" Sasuke says, walking up to Naruto.

"Actually, I do. Remember last fic you tried to rape me? Good times, good times."

"Oh yeah, now I remember. How about the fanfic when we had sex, and I penetrated you…"

"Yeah, yeah. How come it seems like every yaoi fic we're in, we meet in a gay bar?" Naruto asked.

"Maybe we can ask the person writing this parody," Sasuke said. "Hey, author, why do we always meet in a gay bar?"

"I don't know I just write the parodies. Hey, how about I change the place. Um, is a cruise ship okay with you?"

"No, not original enough," Naruto said.

"How about at a party?"

"Hell no, ain't go to one of those lame parties, gurl," Sasuke said, snapping his fingers.

"Okaaaay then, I'll just put you in a bedroom, how about that."

"You have no imagination," Naruto said.

"Okay, that's it. To the bedroom we go."

REWRITE

"Ugh, Sasuke, harder!" Naruto moaned.

"You want harder, I'll give you harder," Sasuke said.

"C'mon, Sasuke, that's not hard enough!" Naruto cried. "At this rate, we'll never be able to get the mattress through the door!"

"Oh yeah, did I mention I can't write yaoi scenes? Hehehehe…"

-0-

"It's the first day of high school!" Ino yelled.

She was wearing a blue Abercrombie &finch t-shirt and jean capris with a hole in the left knee (you MUST remember that). She had her hair up in a tight ponytail with a light blue scrunchie. She was wearing K-Swiss sneakers with a pattern of snowflakes. Her book bag had Hello Kitty on it and there was a binder, four folders, a pencil case, a hair brush, and a mirror.

You must remember all of this because it's relevant to the story and it's important that we know EVERYTHING that the character's wearing.

"Actually, it's the first day of high school in this fic," Tenten said. "It's actually the 8,745th first day of high school in all."

Tenten was wearing… oh, forget it.

"What eva," Ino said. "Are you all ready for cheerleading practice?"

"School hasn't even started," Sakura stated.

"Who cares?!" Ino yells, putting up her arm in a cheer pose.

Ino, Tenten, Hinata, Sakura, and Temari all pull out pompoms from thin air.

"C'mon girls, let's do the cheer we've practiced for the past four thousand fanfics," Ino said.

"Ino, I didn't even know you could count that high," Tenten said.

"Okay. Ready, let's go!" the girls yelled in unison. "We are the Naruto girls, and we love to cheer! We have no idea what we're doing here! This is our six thousandth fanfic in a high school cheering! We have all of our readers looking for a more original story with normal teenagers and angst problems! Yayz!"

Onlookers are wondering why the last line didn't rhyme (like I did now). But they're happy anyway and lift them up and carry them to their classrooms. There, they are approached by the Naruto boys.

"Hey, girls, we are so buff and hot, you want to make out with us again."

And bring on the pairings: Inoshika, Sakusasu, Naruhina, Nejiten, and… WTF? Tamakiba?

Okaaay…

**(A/N) So, as I said, there's more on the way. So for now, read and review (flame if you feel like it). Just give me some feedback.**


	2. Chapter 2

**(A/N) Well here I am again, updating this story. I'm kind of running out of ideas, so if you submit some clichés you'd like to be made fun of, I will make fun of them. I'd like to thank my reviewers, you make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. So R&R.**

**Disclaimer: Naruto is not mine. Neither are any of the storylines.**

"Y hallo thar, Ma name is Mary Sue. Y'all may know me from various fics. Sometimes I'm a busty blonde and I have all of the guys lusting after me and the girls envying me. Sometimes I'm a badass with a dark side. But I want y'all to get at know the real me. I'm actually from Louisiana and I have a gap in my two front teeth and sixteen fillins'. My brotha's name is Barry Sam, and my motha's name is Betty Ann. I don't use weapons, instead I use my Gramps dentures. Now that y'all have a feelin' of who I am, enjoy the rest of the fic."

-0-

"Hello, Sasuke," Itachi said, coming out from the shadows of the room.

"Oh dear God!" Sasuke said, hiding under the bed. "Don't rape me again!"

"C'mon, Sauce-gay, you know you like it. Every fic you scream my name."

"The author wrote that! I never said it!" Sasuke cried. "Damn fangirls…"

"Oh, Sauce-gay," Itachi said, pulling on Sasuke's leg. "Come out and play."

"I know what playing means to you, and I don't wanna!" Sasuke said, now crying.

"But I know you love me." Itachi said, still pulling on Sasuke's leg.

"What the hell makes you think that? You murdered my entire clan and I became emo because of it. I hate you and want revenge. And yet, there are all of these fanfics that have Uchihacest, most of them stating that I have undying love for you. The summary goes like this:

[Uchihacest While Sasuke is out on a mission, he meets Itachi. Sasuke forgets about his vengeance and falls in love with him. Where will this lead? LEMON!! R&R!

"And I have to live through that!" Sasuke screams. "Every single chapter of lemon and lime and… -shudder-."

"I don't care," Itachi said. "You're coming with me!"

"NOOOOOO!!!!" Sasuke yelled, holding on to the leg of the bed. "x.Animegurl.x, stop writing!"

"Sorry, can't disappoint the readers."

"Damn you!!!!"

Itachi proceeded to carry Sasuke under his arm, heading off to the Akatsuki hideout, laughing maniacally.

-0-

"OMG!!! It's like Sasuke-kun!!!! Like, -squee-!!!"

Oh no, not the Sasuke FANGIRLS!!! Wait, this means it's a high school fic. We all know where this is going to lead…

Sasuke runs past and Fangirls chase him.

"They're gaining on me!!!" Sasuke yelled. "Every fanfic, every damn fanfic…"

"Hey, Sasuke-kun, we love you for your emoness!!!"

"I want a rewrite!!!!" Sasuke cried.

No one saves him. Sasuke is attacked by rabid Fangirls. Oh well, moving on…

-0-

We are now back at High School. Yes that is the name of the school. High School. The Naruto girls are cheering. Sasuke was currently in the back of the room, cutting his wrists. The Fangirls were worshiping him and his emoness. Naruto was eating ramen (duh). The teacher was late. I mean it's Kakashi, he's always late. And he always seems to be the homeroom teacher in every high school fic…

Then Kakashi appeared.

"So yeah, I'm late, again. You all know the drill. Path of life, blah, blah, blah. So, I'm just going to sit here and read my perverted book that I read in every fanfic, while you a) get into a fist fight, b) fall in love with another character, or c) sit there an wallow in your self pity. Anything except cheering."

Moan from the Naruto girls.

"OMG! Now what are we going to do?" Ino asked, in her cheertastic voice.

"Well, usually when the author runs out of ideas, the bell rings," Temari stated, also using her cheertastic voice.

Ding!…

Bat

"Right on queue!"

"This means Kakashi-sensei no longer has control over us," Hinata said, her stutter replaced by, yet another, cheertastic voice.

"That's right!" Sakura said.

"Ready, let's go! In this fic we're back in action…"

Kakashi is clawing his ears out.

"This would be so much easier if they had short skirts on," he said, letting his true perviness shine through.

"It's like High School Musical," Sasuke said, disturbed, yet not showing it in true emo nature. "Oh well, another reason to cut myself."

_Stop my breathing and slit my throat. I must be emo. I don't jump around when I go to shows. I must be emo. I'm dark and sensitive with low self-esteem. The way I dress makes every day feel like Halloween…_

**(A/N) So that's it. The song at the end is the Emo kid song, it's on you tube and I think it fits Sasuke perfectly. Listen to it. It's hilarious. So, as I said, I'm running out of ideas, and I need your help. Think of any clichés you'd like to see made fun of. R&R**


	3. Chapter 3

**(A/N) Y Hallo thar! Thank you all for your reviews and suggestions! This chapter is dedicated to pairings. I might also make another chapter for pairings but this is it for now. R&R.**

HinataxGaara:

"I want to kill you," Gaara says.

"U-um, y-you're s-supposed t-to f-fall I-in l-love w-with m-me, r-remember?" Hinata says, magically getting her stutter back.

"But I want to kill you."

"T-that's n-not w-what t-the a-author t-thinks," Hinata stated.

"Do I even know you?" Gaara asked.

"I d-don't t-think w-we e-ever m-met," Hinata said. "B-besides,I t-think t-this is g-going t-to b-be an AU f-fic w-with a l-lot o-of OOC. A-and I d-don't t-think y-you h-have t-the u-urge t-to k-kill a-anymore."

"Fine then, I must kill the author writing this fic," Gaara said.

"Okay, okay," x.Animegurl.x says. "I'm rewriting, just don't kill me. Stupid emo insomniac…"

-0-

KakashixSakura

Sakura is sitting in class when…

"Yes, I'm late like in every other fanfic, don't need to point it out."

I think we all know who that is.

Sakura was getting a feeling of déjà vu, but brushed it off. I mean, when you've been in as many fics as she has, it's a very familiar feeling. Until…

"Hey, Sakura, why don't you come after school with me for some private lessons," Kakashi said, standing next to her desk.

Now it came together.

"Oh no, I've been in too many fics to fall for that one," Sakura said, backing her desk away from Kakashi.

"I bet you haven't heard this one," Kakashi said, walking up to Sakura's desk again. "Why don't you join my book club?"

"Okay," Sakura said, thinking it was an innocent question. "What book are you reading?"

"Come Come Paradise," Kakashi said.

"No way, you pedophile," Saukura said, backing her desk up to the back of the room this time. "Fing another character to rape."

"Fine then, I'll go and hit on Ino…"

-0-

HinataxSasuke:

"Leave me alone."

I think we know who that is. Emo-boy.

"B-but, S-sasuke, w-we h-have t-to d-do a f-fic t-together."

And I think we know who that is.

"I don't care!" Emo-boy says.

"B-b-but…" Hinata stutters.

"Have we even met?"

"N-not r-really," Hinata said.

"Why are you always paired up with people you never even met?" Sasuke asked. "I mean, Naruhina I can understand, but Gaahina. What the hell?"

"W-well, it's j-just a f-fic," Hinata said.

"Yes. And another reason to cut myself."

Emo-boy pulls out a razor from God knows where.

-0-

KisamexItachi

"Hey, Itachi, where are you?" Kisame asked.

He walked into Itachi's room. There were a lot of candles lit. I mean _a lot_.

Rose petals were scattered on the floor. There were black stain sheetes on the bed. Kisame heard water running in the bathroom, and went to see if Itachi was in there. There were even more candles lit in the bathroom. Then he looked in the tub and was met with a sight he never wanted to see.

"Jesus Christ!" he yelled.

Itachi was sitting in the tub with a rubber ducky and a toy boat.

"Why, hello Kisame," he said after he stopped splashing so the boat could ride the waves.

"Um, Itachi, what's with the candles and flower petals?" Kisame asked Itachi with his eyes closed.

"It's for a fanfic we're going to be in," Itachi answered, playing with the toy boat again.

"I'm going to leave now…" Kisame said slowly backing out the door.

After leaving the room, he ran out of the Akatsuki's base, never to return. But, he'll have to return eventually because there are fanfics he'll fave to be in…

-0-

SakuraxSasuke:

"I love you Sauce-gay."

"I love you Sakura."

"I love you even if you're a little emo bitch whose hair looks like a chicken's ass."

"I love you even though you're a stalker and you're kind of annoying."

Sasuke and Sakura were ironically sitting on a bench near the gates of Konoha. Fangirls were giving Sakura the death glares they're famous for.

"I… must… glomp… Sauce-gay!" one yelled.

"Calm down Rei, they'll break up soon enough," another one said. Her name was Ai.

"But, it's not our fanfic so we don't know if it's canon or not," the third one named Etsu said.

"C'mon, where's your fangirl spirit!" Ai shouted.

"It died along with the various Sasusaku plots," Etsu responded.

"What's the point?" Rei said. "If these authors keep on writing Sasusaku, we'll never get a chance with Sauce-gay."

"Well, there's only one thing we can do," Ai said. "We must kill Sakura."

And then the fanfic 'Kill Sakura' was conceived. Read to find out what happens! R&R!

-0-

ItachixKakashi:

This will be a parody of a summary for I could not read a fanfic like this without gouging my eyes. Here it is:

Itachi kidnaps Kakashi! Omigawd! Itachi's going to rape Kakashi! Oh no! Read to find out what happens and try not to gouge your eyes! Itakaka! Lemons! R&R biatches.

**(A/N) Well, there it is. And yes, there are a TON of ItachixKakashi out there. Most of them have Itachi kidnapping Kakashi. I could not get past the summary. Anyways, thank you again for your reviews and suggestions. Next chapter is a talk show where Naruto will answer all of your questions about fanfics. R&R!**


	4. Chapter 4

**(A/N) Sorry it took so long. I'm currently working on a new story that's miscellaneous and has a ton of Mary Sues and Barry Sams. I'm such a hypocrite, aren't I. At least I don't think mine are that bad… Anyway, this chapter is kinda short, but I hope it's still good. Thanks to Rocket launcher trombone for the inspiration to write an "ask naruto" parody. And I forgot to thank SilverOfSilver88 for the previous chapter's inspiration. R&R because your reviews make me laugh, cry, and they're all around heartwarming and Emmy-nominated.**

**Disclaimer: Okay, for the umpteenth time I DO NOT OWN NARUTO. But I do own this parody…**

"Welcome to Talk Show, my talk show. I'm your host, x.Animegurl.x, but you can just call me Marisa. Even though this is a Naruto special, Naruto's not hosting because he's a complete dunce."

"I'm not a dunce!"

"Duncesayswhat."

"What?"

"Exactly." I say. "Now, today the characters from Naruto are going to answer the studio audience's questions about the fics they're in."

The audience claps under the dictation of the sign that says 'Applaud'. Because without that sign, the audience wouldn't be smart enough to figure out when to clap.

"Okay, first one, the dude with a serious Naruto obsession."

A guy with a Naruto headband, shirt, pants, and shoes stood up.

"Um, I want to say I LOVE NARUTO!-insert 'duh' here-And I want to make a suggestion for a Naruto pairing. How about NarutoxGaara."

"Already out there," Naruto says with mic in hand, trying not to look Gaara in the face.

"Oh, okay," said a now disappointed fan…boy?

"I have a question," I say, raising my hand. "Do guys even read yaoi fanfics?"

"I do," replied yaoi Fanboy.

"Okaaaay," I say. "Next question. Fangirl in row 3."

Fangirl stands up.

"I love you Sasuke-kun!" Fangirl yells. "Okay. Here's my question. Is Narusasu canon? And if it's not, I will glomp you!"

"It's not!" the two yelled in unison, not considering Fangirl's warning.

Now we have a rabid Fangirl.

"Security!" I yell.

Rabid Fangirl is tazed and kicked out of the studio.

"Now that's finished, we're moving on to the next question. Fangirl in row six."

Fangirl #2 stands up. Security surrounds Sasuke, Gaara, Naruto, Rock Lee, and Neji. Choji doesn't have a fan base, so he doesn't need security.

"Why is Sasuke always OOC in Sasunaru fanfics?"

"I'll answer that question," I say. "Because if Sasuke was the emo bitch he is in the anime, how would Naruto ever fall for him?"

"I resent that," Sasuke says, referring to the 'emo bitch'.

"Okay, next question!" I say, ignoring Sasuke. "And no more Fangirls. Emo dude in the back row."

Emo dude stands up.

"Sasuke, you rock," he says, and sits back down.

"Wow, one of my own!" Sasuke says, Fangirlishly. "Marry me!"

Naruto cast sweat drops.

"Wow…" I say. "Moving on. Seemingly normal girl in row 4."

Seemingly Normal Girl stands up.

"My question is for the Naruto girls. Why are you always preps in high school fanfics."

"Because the authors have a death wish," says Temari, memories of the horrid fanfics she had been put through.

"Or because they're preps themselves," Tenten says, going through the same memories as Temari. "_And _they have a death wish. As a matter of fact, I should put a hit on them."

Tenten now has an evil look on her face and starts laughing manically.

"Okay authors of AU fics, watch out," I say. "Wait a minute, I have an AU fic. Oh no..."

Tenten pulls out a pointy, sharp object.

"Did I mention I have Belonephobia?" I say, tripping over my feet as I try to back away from evil Tenten. "At least you're not a prep in my fic!"

"I'm not?" Tenten said, immediately putting the sharp and pointy object away. "Well then, that's okay."

"Mood swing, much?" I say. "Must be your time of the month…"

Evil Tenten appears again and pulls out the sharp and pointy thing.

"Well, folks, that's all we have today!" I say, running away. "I have to go and get a restraining order!"

Audience claps. Security holds back numerous Fangirls. The Naruto cast exists stage left.

"Do you think Marisa will be all right?" Sakura asks.

"Who cares, she insulted me and my emoness," Sasuke say, pouting and twirling his hair.

"At least she didn't make fun of you and your gayness," Neji says.

Naruto characters nod in unison.

"What was that?" Sasuke asks, still pouting.

"Nothing, Sauce-gay…"

**(A/N) So there it is. Oh yeah, Belonephobia is an irrational fear of sharp things. And yes, I do have it. Anyway, hope you laughed. And if you didn't, well screw you (j/k). Again, thanx to Rocket launcher trombone for the suggestion. Next chapter is going to have me being sucked into a cliché fanfic (thanx to Kawazoe Michiyo for suggestion). I'll try to make a parody for all of your suggestions, so stay tuned to see if your suggestion makes the cut! The heats on! Get ready, get set, get a life! But for now, R&R.**


	5. Chapter 5

**(A/N) My new chapter! -claps-. So, thanks to Kawazoe Michiyo for the inspiration for this one. Hope you all like it, because I don't think I'll be updating soon (sorry).**

**R&R!**

**Disclaimer: Still don't own Naruto…**

Okay, so I'm reading a fic at about three in the morning when I get sucked into the computer screen. And then I'm in a Naruto fic. Too bad it was a Deisaso fic I was just reading. Hey, one can't help but be curious…

So I'm standing in a room where Sasori and Deidara were doing it on a bed. One can only wonder what Deidara could do with those hands…

"Hey. Hey! HEY!"

It was hard to hear me with all of the moans and groans. So I did the only thing I could do and…

Screamed.

"Who the hell are you?" Sasori asks.

"I'm too disturbed to answer that right now," I say, backing away.

I run out the door. Looking back I saw a paper pinned on the door that said 'Deisaso J'. I shudder and look at the other doors in the hallway. There was Uchihacest, Narusasu, Kakairu, Itakisa, and… Shinokiba. Wow…

I must be in the yaoi hallway.

_'Must… find a way.. out of this hell!'_

I run down the hallway and turn the corner to find myself at another hallway.

Crack pairings.

Inocho, Kakaanko, Naruten, and… Sakupakku.

Yeah, definitely crack.

I go into the one labeled Inocho and find Choji eating food off of Ino. It's supposed to be a lemon.

_'Curiosity killed the fanfic author.'_

I back away slowly and close the door. I run down the hallway and turn another corner.

Highschool fics.

I didn't dare set foot in that hallway.

Then I found another hallway. It said 'canon pairings'.

I doubt if any pairings are actually canon. But I went down the hallway and read the signs. Naruhina, Temashika, Sasusaku, and Nejiten.

I went in the door that had Sasusaku.

"Hello, my cherry blossom."

Sasuke gives Sakura a flower.

"Squee! Thank you!" Sakura cries. "I rove you!"

Definitely written by a Fangirl. I had to interrupt.

"Excuse me!" I yell, walking over to the two.

They were about to kiss, but they turned towards me instead. Fire was burning in their eyes and veins were surfacing in their foreheads.

"Do you realize how crappy this storyline is?" I ask, taking the flower from Sakura.

"What do you mean?" Sasuke asks.

"C'mon, a flower? What's next, chocolates? And look around you. Cherry Blossom trees. Do you know how overused this is? How about something more original."

"Well, don't get mad at us, get mad at the author," Sakura says, taking the flower from my hand.

"You're right," I say. "Hey, author!"

The author types.

"Get out of my fic!"

"Don't worry, I wouldn't want to be in this fic anyway," I say. "I'm going."

"I'm coming, too," Sakura says, giving the flower back to Sasuke. "I've been in too many of this girl's fics..."

"Me too," Sasuke says.

"You're not coming," I say.

"Why not?" he asks, pouting.

"I don't like you."

Then I slam the door on his face.

Sakura turns and walks away.

I need to find a way out of this place. But how do you get out of an archive of fanfics?

Easy, you go on a rampage.

I started by kicking down all of the doors. Characters came out, wondering what the commotion was.

"I was in the middle of doing something," Orichimaru said.

"Yes, and it was probably some creepy bondage thing with Sauce-gay," I said.

And out comes Emoboy himself.

"Okay, people!" I yell into a megaphone that I stole from Ino-cheerleader. "Either you all tell me a way out of here, or I beat the shit out of all of you one by one."

"Um, there's an exit right there," Neji says, pointing to a door that has a large sign saying 'exit' over it.

"Oh, thanks," I say, skipping merrily towards the door.

After going through the door I pop back into my room. Talk about vertigo…

"That's it, no more alcohol before bed."

**(A/N) Yayz! I'm finished. This was the easiest chapter yet. And just to say, I don't drink alcohol, I just though that'd be funny. And yes, I've seen a fic With Sakura and Pakkun. Thanks again to Kawazoe Michiyo. And I also want to thank Panda-chan101 for the Deisaso part. R&R!**


	6. Chapter 6

**(A/N) Sorry it took me so long to update. this chapter is dedicated to OC pairings, high school pairings, and crack pairings. Thanx to Joiz. D for the GaaraOC suggestion. It's in here.**

**Disclaimer: Still do not own Naruto.**

-0-

"Guess what, it's an arranged marriage!"

Neji and Hinata look at each other. Déjà vu.

"Why?" Neji asks, almost afraid of the answer.

Hiashi looks at the paper in his hands.

"Well, um, it says here it's to 'strengthen the bonds of Hyuga clan. To do that, we must unite the heir of the Hyuga clan and the strongest member'."

Hiashi laughs.

"So that's the lame-ass excuse we came up with this time."

"Fine, meet me in my room tonight so we can 'start our new life as husband and wife'," Neji says, walking away.

"U-um, o-okay," Hinata stutters.

And then it hit her.

"OH SHIT!! I'M MARRYING MY FRIGGIN' COUSIN!!!!"

-0-

"It's High School, Bitch."

Naruto girls break out in a rendition of Britney Spears 'Gimme More'. Guys whistle. Other girls get jealous and plan their revenge. That's high school for ya…

I think.

Anyway, Tenten is looking in her compact mirror when Neji shows up. Who else would it be? Sasuke?

"Hey, wanna go out?" he asks, flexing his muscles in his letter jacket.

"I thought you were married to your cousin," Tenten says, disturbed at the thought of incest.

"I got a divorce."

"You can't divorce from arranged marriages."

"Actually, I can because I am Neji and I have a god complex that makes Roy Mustang look like a kitten. And since I am Neji, I have the most awesome powers ever and I can kick anyone's ass. I'm Neji, Bitch."

"Okay…"

"Actually, I was just going to lie to you so I can get laid. But then, Hinata would find out, and she'd stutter and run away. Then I'd say I don't really like her, and she'd be glad because she likes Naruto. Then, we'd face other problems, like crack pairings such as Nejiino or Sasuten. But we'd make it through (as always) and live happily ever after."

Neji takes a deep breathe.

"Or we could have a threesome."

-0-

Now it's Ino's turn to be looking in a compact mirror. But it is Shikamaru who walks up to her.

"-Yawn- so -yawn- maybe -yawn- we could -yawn- go out -yawn- sometime," Shikamaru… well, yawned.

Then he passes out from low blood sugar.

Ino didn't even hear him.

Everyone else wonders how he makes it through a fic.

-0-

Shikamaru miraculously regains consciousness and goes over to Temari's desk to ask her out. And guess what she's doing?

I think we know.

"So -yawn- you -yawn- wanna go -yawn- out -yawn- with me?"

Shikamaru somehow remains upright.

"No, I'm doing an incest fic with Gaara," she answers.

"Well, okay then…"

Shikamaru falls on the floor.

-0-

Sakura. Looking in a compact mirror.

Sasuke. In all his emo glory.

I think we get the picture.

"Hey, Sakula -rolls the 'r'-, want to go out?"

"But how?" she asks dramatically. "It'll never work out. Me, the popular cheerleader captain with you, the dark and creepy emo kid who cuts himself in class. It's impossible!"

Dramatic sigh.

"If only a fanfiction writer would pair us up…" she says.

I get the hint.

"Hell no."

Sakura pouts.

"Fine, I'll go get I'msogirlyandfangirlishiwritealltheclichesyouread to write the most awesomely cliché fic ever."

Sakura stomps off and Sasuke goes back to his desk to write poetry.

-0-

"Did you hear about the new girl? Her name is OC."

Yes, Oc the most powerful and beautiful girl in the universe with a horrible past that causes one of the guys to feel sorry for her and fall for her.

Bachelor number one. Gaara.

Gaara sees the most beautiful and emotastic girl he had ever seen. Right away, he wanted to give her a hug. And if she doesn't want a hug, he'll kill her.

He walks up to her and says:

"You be the iceberg, I'll be the titanic, and I'll go down on you."

It works and Gaara is so happy, he gives her a hug. But then she kills him using her super awesome strength. Oh well…

Bachelor number two. Emoboy.

I mean Emobitch.

I mean Saucegay.

Whatever, you get my point.

Sasuke was walking home to the empty Uchiha compound. It was raining. He was rushing home because he wanted to write _another _poem about the rain.

_'The raindrops that fall to the earth is like the blood that falls from my wrist. Yeah, that's good.'_

He laughs maniacally.

But then he sees OC, and chokes on his last 'bwa ha ha'. He stared at her and she flipped the bird. Sasuke crosses the street to get to her, but is then hit by a car.

Actually, it was a sixteen wheeler.

Bachelor number three. Kiba.

His pickup line:

"If I said 'you have a nice body' would you hold it against me?"

OC kills him.

Oh, c'mon, she's frickin blood thirsty. What do you expect?

And after that, no one goes near her.

Well, except for Itachi.

Pickup line:

None.

He uses his Mangekyou Sharingan to somehow make her pass out and brings her to the Akatsuki base.

"Hey, who's the cliché OC?" Kisame asks.

"Nonya," Itachi says.

"That's her name?"

"No, it means no of ya business."

Itachi snaps his fingers.

Apparently, gayness runs in the family.

-0-

Itachi felt in the mood for a fish stick. If ya know what I mean…

You don't?

Well then, Itachi wants to be the seme and Kisame's going to be the uke.

Still don't know what I mean?

Fine then, ITACHI WANTS TO FUCK KISAME!

Yeah, I knew you'd understand.

"Come here Kisame," Itachi says. "I got you a new pet goldfish."

"I'm not falling for that one again," Kisame calls from the closet.

Itachi was currently standing outside the closet door.

"But it's true," Itachi says. "And if you don't come out, I'll be forced to kill it."

"No, brother!!!" Kisame screams, running out of the closet.

Kisame was ready to defend his kin, but then he sees that Itachi doesn't have a goldfish.

"J/k," Itachi says.

He's holding a whip.

"Oh dear god," Kisame whimpers.

Let the torture begin.

-0-

Sasori is doing a striptease for Deidara.

He's about ready to take off his pants.

And when he does, there's a giant, hard…

Nothing.

He's a frickin puppet, dammit, they don't have penises!

Deidara is disappointed, to say the least.

**(A/N) So, there it is. I have ideas for the next chapter, but I have to think them over. And I used the pickup lines from this picture on the internet that has the Naruto characters saying their pickup lines. I'm sure many of you read it. And to Panda-chan101, you can't screw a puppet. I'm sorry. .**


	7. Chapter 7

**(A/N) Sorry it took so long to update. I want to give a thanks to Rocket launcher trombone, encyser, and Kankuro'sPuppetGirl. Your suggestions are in this chapter. The entire chapter is on cliché plots.**

The Naruto girls are kidnapped!

-gasp-

Maybe by international spies. Or maybe it's because they need to be put under the witness protection program. Or even better, one of their divorced parents kidnapped them for ransom money.

Nah, it was vampires.

And I bet your wondering who the vampires are, right?

Are they from Buffy, the Vampire Slayer? Are they blood sucking fiends seeking revenge on the girls? Or are they from another planet?

Yeah right. They're the Naruto guys.

Of course, it was good a good thing to be kidnapped by vampires. I mean, they have the best of the best. Silk sheets on their beds, foods imported from different countries, bathrooms with clean tubs. Yeah, they live the good life.

"Velcome to our lair," vampire Naruto says.

"What?" the Naruto girls ask in unison.

"I said, velcome to our lair," Naruto repeated.

"Yeah, I heard the 'to our lair part', but the first part I couldn't understand," Tenten says.

"Velcome?" Naruto asks.

"Yeah, what the hell our you saying?" Temari asks.

"I'm saying velcome," Naruto said, befuddled.

"Still can't understand," Sakura says.

"Vhat can't you understand?" vampire Neji asks.

"Oooh, I get it," Ino says. "They say 'w' like 'v'. Like, vhere is my dignity?"

The girls nodded. Then they started laughing.

"Vhat's so funny?" vampire Sasuke asked.

That only made them laugh harder.

"Ve vant to vuck you!" vampire Naruto yelled.

They stopped laughing, now completely creeped out.

"I'm going to be leaving now, I have other fics I have to attend to," Sakura said, backing away.

"Yeah, me too," the other girls said, backing away, too.

"Vait, don't leave!" vampire Naruto called.

Too late. The Naruto girls were now sprinting.

Well, so much for that plot.

-0-

Naruto characters turned chibi!

They were sitting down, minding their own business, when Tinkerbell came and turned them into chibis. Yeah, Tinkerbell. Who would've guessed?

You think they'd be cute.

But Tinkerbell forgot something.

They're ninja. Ninja can't be cute. They're assassins that sneak around all the time. They can't be _cute_.

But somehow, they manage to be cute ninja.

"Ha, Neji, you have a squeaky voice," Lee taunts.

"So do you!"

"Hey, why do I have such a big head?" Naruto asks.

"I look fat!" Sakura cried.

"I'm not complaining. I'm a smexy chibi," Itachi says.

Everyone stares.

Yeah, chibi Naruto characters. Why can't people figure out how much of a disaster that would be?

-0-

Naruto characters are magically transported to the Harry Potter world!

"Welcome to Hogwarts!" says a teenager who looked like he suffered a lot of abuse in his childhood because of his dorky glasses.

The Naruto characters are on a mission to protect the Harry Potter characters from Voldemort. Yet again. It's times like these the Naruto characters want to put a kunai to their throats.

"What the hell is with the accents?" Naruto asked.

"They're fancy people," Sasuke replied.

Naruto characters are guided into the dining hall to be sorted into houses.

First up: Naruto

"Gryffindor," says the sorting hat on Naruto's head.

What do you expect? The main characters have to be in the other main character's house. So to sum it up, all the rookie 9 are placed in Gryffindor. Except Sasuke. He's in Slytherin. He and Orochimaru have their own room.

"So, what do we do now?" Naruto asks.

"We go to our classes," Harry says.

So they went to their classes. Which is odd because they just got into their houses. But the authors don't really care about that.

So they're in Potions class now.

"I'm your evil teacher Severus Snape. Fear me."

"Dude, he reminds me of Orichimaru," Naruto says. "You think he's a pedophile, too?"

"Yes, Uzumaki," He says. "Hear that, Potter."

Harry's now cowering in a corner.

Will Harry get raped? Will the Naruto characters lose their minds? Will one of them fall in love with someone from Harry Potter? Will global warming ever be stopped? Read to find out!

**(A/N) I'm sort of disappointed in this chapter. I don't know if it's really that good. I might actually go back later and change it. But you have to tell me what you think! So, review, and I'll give you teh internet. Just kidding. I'll give you cookies.**


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